Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed  regularly, and for the same reason.
José  Maria de Eça de Queiroz

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit  salad.
Brian Gerald  O’Driscoll

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all  doubt. Abraham Lincoln

Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, but not in one  ahead. Bill  McGlashen

Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.
Marilyn  Monroe

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.
Sam Levenson

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
Earl Wilson

Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the  hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.
Albert Einstein

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way  when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their  shoes.
Jack Handey

Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and  talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up.

If evolution is fact, why do mothers only have two hands?
Milton  Berle

I am going to call my kids Ctrl, Alt and Delete. Then if they muck up I will  just hit them all at once.”

By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and  work twelve hours a day.
Robert  Frost

People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.
Zig Ziglar

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike  and asked for forgiveness.
Emo Philips

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need  it.Bob Hope

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who  do.
Isaac  Asimov

Why does a woman work ten years to change a man’s habits and then complain that  he’s not the man she married?
Barbra Streisand

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

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